Wie man mit der Ex nach der Trennung Freunde bleiben kann
The end of any relationship can be rather painful, but what makes it worse is the monogamous expectation that romantic relationships should last forever. Encoded into mainstream understandings of romantic relationships are lofty promises that for a relationship to be successful people need to commit to one another no matter what. Mainstream relationship advice often quips “If you’re not dating to marry, you’re dating to break up” as if short-term relationships lack value. The goal of dating for many people is marriage which includes “til death do us part” vows. While the underlying vow to be together through tough times helps create an aura of security for some; we can’t ignore how those words cast breakups as not only failures but as broken promises.
In many cases, two people who were initially compatible, who shared years of fun and love, over time outgrow the relationship. Sometimes people come to realize that they feel stuck in habits that have solidified over time. Leaving the relationship feels like the only way to honor the differences that have developed. That doesn’t necessarily mean that anyone is in the wrong. However, when we culturally expect people to stay together forever, these differences or changing needs can turn sour as each person attempts to change the other rather than recognizing an incompatibility that is inherently no one’s fault.
Clearly, there isn’t one blanket answer to the question of whether exes can be friends or not. Some people have vitriolic responses to their current partner even texting an ex. Needless to say, these folks won’t take my advice, and it’s not my goal to change their minds. However, I know that many people deeply love one another even if the relationship isn’t working anymore. It can be excruciatingly painful to imagine the person that you’ve shared so much of your life with completely disappearing from your life. The potential to remain friends, co-parents, or friendly acquaintances can ease the pain of a breakup.
What is crucial to this process is setting clear expectations ahead of time. I’ve noticed that a lot of straight people say they will “stay friends” as a disingenuous pacifying hypothetical when they break up. But if there is a real desire to remain in each other’s lives, it’s important to be clear. Each person must be respectful as the relationship ends, give each other space following the breakup to mourn and process their feelings, and follow through on the commitment to reconnect and resume a platonic relationship afterward. What ruins this process is when both people let their emotions get the best of them and act in hurtful and ugly ways. Or they underestimate the amount of time they need away from one another.
What I do think is important is giving ourselves the option to stay friends. While it’s still a taboo for many people to have exes in their lives, this ideology doesn’t have to endure. There are countless reasons why we may want to remain close to people we have been in relationships with in the past. Accepting that exes are not evil assholes who want to cause us pain or steal us away from current partners helps us have a more sane attitude toward breakups. We can’t prevent the end of relationships, but we can create healthier options afterward if we want.