Warum introvertierte Menschen öfter so tun sollten als wären sie extrovertiert
Compared to introverts, extroverts are happier, research unfortunately shows. An exhaustingly chirpy series of studies has found that social connection is one of the strongest predictors of well-being, and extroverts are more socially connected. In lab experiments, extroverts tend to interpret ambiguous stimuli more positively, hearing the word “won” rather than “one,” for example, or writing more uplifting short stories based on generic prompts. People who are extroverted as teenagers remain happier even when they’re 60.
I understand that introverts might not be thrilled to hear this — I wasn’t, either. But Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist who has studied this phenomenon, says it’s worth focusing less on the “extrovert” part of this and more on the fact that these individuals are more enmeshed in community. “Connection is really the key to happiness,” Lyubomirsky told me. And there are ways to square your natural introversion with the universal human need for connection. You don’t have to mingle with everyone at the office party, for instance. You can just call a trusted friend for a one-on-one conversation. Even hanging out with others and listening more than you talk can be a form of “extroversion,” Lyubomirsky says.
Though there’s nothing wrong with being an introvert, several studies have shown that when introverts occasionally behave in extroverted ways, they experience more “positive affect” — science-speak for good feelings. “I started doing these studies because I didn’t believe them,” says John Zelenski, a psychology professor at Carleton University who has replicated this finding, and who himself is introverted. But “it absolutely seems correct that if you get people to act extroverted — and usually, that means socializing for a few minutes — there’s a big mood boost there.”
“Lots of things that we may not initially like doing actually really benefit us,” says Lyubomirsky, who, as an example, offered that she now loves running but took a while to get into it. “A lot of things in life don’t feel natural at first. … Just because it doesn’t feel comfortable and natural doesn’t mean it’s not authentic.” Authenticity can come from familiarity, and the only way to build familiarity is through experience.
A desire to remain “authentic” is one reason people may balk at the idea of changing themselves — either through personality change or otherwise. But living authentically can also mean acting in ways that feel, at first, uncomfortable, as long as those actions draw you closer to your values and goals. Many of us, if we followed the North Star of “authenticity,” would quit our jobs, neglect our families, and watch Love Is Blind all day. But what is instinctive is not always best.
To figure out how to get better at these forays into extroversion, I called up Gillian Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in psychologyat the University of Sussex in the UK. More importantly for my purposes, she talks to strangers — on the street, on vacation, even in the sacred space of the London Tube. She researches the power of “weak ties,” casual acquaintances with whom we interact, but usually only briefly. People who have lots of weak ties, who make eye contact and idle chitchat with baristas and neighbors, feel happier than those who don’t, her studies find.
Sandstrom told me she’s the same way: She’s an introvert and tends to avoid demanding social situations. But she uses talking to strangers as a coping mechanism of sorts. If she’s in a big, crowded room, she finds someone who’s off by themselves and starts a one-on-one conversation.
One way to open such a conversation is by making a statement, rather than asking a question. For instance, when Sandstrom is on public transportation, she’ll test the waters by complimenting the person sitting next to her. (She recommends remarking on something other than their looks.) Or, she’ll comment on something in the environment — if they have a suitcase, she’ll ask where they’re going. One time, she was walking in a park and noticed a man smiling at some ducks. “Aren’t they cute?” Sandstrom said. She and the man ended up chatting for half an hour, since they were walking in the same direction. At the end of her conversations, Sandstrom just says something like, “Thank you, it’s been nice talking to you,” and walks off.
I told Sandstrom that I don’t miss my weak ties much, and I’m not really one for small talk. We either have to get to the bottom of your childhood trauma, or we’re not talking at all. The thing is, she pointed out, most weak ties probably aren’t going to become long-term relationships. I needed to set the stakes way lower. Her conversations tend to last just a few minutes, and sometimes, they’re nothing special. But just like a mediocre movie wouldn’t make you swear off cinema forever, one bad conversation shouldn’t keep you from trying again.
Over time, these weak ties do benefit us, even if we don’t especially notice them. They make us feel woven into the social fabric, Sandstrom says, like we’re part of something bigger.